A Month of Stuff, aka "When Life Gives you Lemons..."

I've been wanting to post something over the past month, but have not had the time due to a variety of things.  There have been several ups and downs, all the while my stress levels have not seen a decrease.  So, here's a brief summation:

Up - Smurf 3 finally came home!  He is on several medications but we're able to maintain them and keep track of what's needed at what times.  He is more alert and active than he was in the hospital, and his siblings are CONSTANTLY checking on him.  When I say checking, I mean they: talk to him, hug him, kiss him, want to hold him, read to him, rub his head, give him his bottle/pacifier, etc.  It's a little overwhelming at time, and we have to continue reminding Smurf 1 and 2 to give him some space.

Down - I've noticed that since he's been home it's been hard for my wife to get into a rhythm with the other two Smurfs.  She spends most of her time with Smurf 3 (which is expected), so i'm monitoring the others.  This means I do most of the homework, cooking, cleaning, laundry, bathing, and bedtime with them.  So of course if she reprimands them or gives directions, they ask me if they can do it (which bugs both of us).  I'm trying to keep them to a routine and integrate Smurf 3 into it, but because he hadn't been home long we have to worry about his health and safety.  ugh.


Down - the hospital we were at sucked.  Well, the hospital itself was okay, but the nursing staff in the NICU sucked.  If you ever have a young child that needs to go to a hospital, DO NOT take them to a teaching hospital.  I don't care what kind of experts they have, the day-to-day pains of dealing with ignorant, crappy, and uncaring nurses is not worth it.  They get rotated each shift, so it was rare to have the same nurse two days in a row.  That sucked because they wouldn't know Smurf 3 and would try things that, if they had been there before, would know did not work with him.  Or they were lazy and didn't care (or at least gave that appearance).  There was one nurse who was so lazy that she spent the entire time on the computer doing a wedding registry.  Luckily my wife was able to sit there all day with him, so she was able to advocate for Smurf 3 and call the nurses out on what they were doing.  If it wasn't for her, they would not have moved as fast or informed us of what was going on.  The staff there (doctors and nurses) would try to talk around or over my wife regarding care and progress instead of with her, and so she started speaking up and dictating what they would and would not do.  If she hadn't, he would have had several unnecessary procedures and probably would still be sitting there. If possible I do not ever want to go there again.

Up - No jealousy from the siblings.  As I mentioned earlier, they are constantly checking on him and want to help take care of him.  I haven't seen any signs of jealousy; it makes  me proud. However...

Down - they do worry about him.  Each day I pick up the Smurfs from school they ask if he's still at home or the hospital.  If he coughs or make a noise, both immediately stop whatever they are doing to check on him.  They are diligent that he gets his medications as well (remember, they are only 3 & 4).  It makes me sad that they worry about him because of the lengthy hospital stay, and at their age they should be having more fun than worries.  This leads into the next thing...

Down - Today we had to take Smurf 3 to the ER.  He was having some fast breathing for the past two days, and this morning while drinking a bottle he started crying again.  He then turned purple and had trouble breathing.  I tried to clear his airway and give pats on the back, but they didn't work. My wife did rescue breaths while I called 911, which seemed to work immediately.  At the hospital every test is turning up negative (which is no surprise given his history), lungs were clear, heart was strong, etc.  They suspect an upper respiratory infection because he did have some mucus and required oxygen for saturation and reduce his respiration rate.  So right now he's in PICU at the hospital with my wife.  I'm at home with the other two Smurfs and had to explain to them why he was in the hospital.  I told them he got sick and the doctors wanted to check him and let him stay for a few days to make sure he was no longer sick.

Up and Down - Vising the hospital was fine for the Smurfs.  They actually took it in stride and asked a few questions; otherwise they did not act bothered.  After the visit, however, Smurf 1 told me he was nervous about going because he thought Smurf 3 was going to look bad.  Smurf 2 just processed the situation by talking out loud to me and her brother was asking for reassurance.  That really broke my heart to hear the both of them, but I reassured them that everything is okay.

Up - My wife is holding up better than I am.  She was freaking out when he turned blue, but working together helped her out.  She said she's now just hanging out there with him, watching t.v. and waiting.  Also, the doctors at the hospital (which is the one we prefer) have been upfront with everything, asked questions, gave information, and have been receptive to feedback.  Right now it's a waiting game until he is well enough to go home.  Me, i'm a basketcase because i'm not there.  However, it's easier for me to be with the other two Smurfs because we have a routine that works for us.  If I was at the hospital I would annoy the hell out of everyone with constant questions. Plus, I cannot sit still for any length of period unless i've got busy work.

Up and Down - no idea what i'm going to do for work.  As is, with doctor appointments, Smurf 3 coming home, and keeping up the home (which still looks awful) I'm not doing as much work as I should to bring in money.  Since my job ends soon, I need to figure out what i'm going to do to at least have some income.  However, I've gotten to the point where I just don't care and have decided not to stress about it.  If i work, I work; if not, then "oh well." 

I've been reciting a hilarious rant in my head to keep me sane over the past month. It works some of the times, but I should probably replace it.  It's Cave Johnson from Portal 2.  It's a rant about life giving you lemons and what to do with them.  I'm going to keep trying to keep my head above water and not go crazy on someone (although I did come close today).  Wish me luck.

Life Sucks at Times, aka "What's Going On?"

Well, just when we thought Smurf 3 would be coming home, he develops several problems at once.  His stomach became distended, and it's just full of air.  They cannot find any reason why at this point, so that's frustrating.  Then, his liver is showing enlarged veins but looks healthy; however, his test levels are coming back high.  They tried a medication, but he's starting to look jaundiced and every flarking test is coming back negative.  So now they're moving him to a hospital 45 minutes away because the pediatric liver specialist (didn't even know you could get THAT specialized) is at this other hospital.  I'm just frustrated and upset that we don't know what's wrong with him and how to fix it at this point.  He's wanting to eat, but because of the stomach issues they can't allow him to eat until the air is out of his intestines.  Even though he's getting IV nutrients, he's wanting a bottle. 

So now my wife will have to spend even more time at the hospital and driving during the day, which means i'm going to have to go back to doing drop offs and pick ups of the other two Smurfs.  Plus, if i'm going to be able to visit Smurf 3 while maintaining my job I will need to keep going at night.  So instead of getting home around 1 a.m. I probably won't get back until 2 or later, and that's if I don't shorten my time with Smurf 3.  Not to mention the extra strain this will place on my ability to work to make enough money to cover all our current and extra bills.  After all of this I think the credit card companies actually own a piece of my asss

I'm not mad or frustrated at anyone, just at the situation.  I appreciate all the doctors, nurses, and nurse practitioners that have been trying to figure this out; I just wish this would end so I could have my entire family home.

We haven't been telling anyone about the medical issues, but there have been messages asking about when he would come home.  My wife doesn't want to tell anybody anything, but I'd rather just tell them and then say whether or not we want any help or visitors rather than just ignoring everyone.  I appreciate that people care and want to know, but I don't want the headache of people trying to visit, offering to cook, clean, etc.  I laughed when one of my sister-in-laws offered to cook dinner for us when she doesn't even cook for her own family; she has most take-out places on speed dial.  To be honest the only help that has been worth it has been my neighbor, who mowed my backyard without saying anything or wanting recognition. 

Making it Work, aka "Keep on Rollin'"

It's funny how I have less time now to do things than I did while my wife was in the hospital. Granted, my stress level has decreased but what needs to be done has increased.  For starters, she's trying to do WAY too much right now, and she gets tired very quickly.  She keeps apologizing and telling me how guilty she feels because i'm still doing a lot of things, but I have to remind her that I don't mind, i'm happy she's home, and it's not a lot of effort on my part.  I've been trying to leave her alone in regards of the things she wants to get done, but I know she can't finish them without help.  Her big goal of the week was to get the house spotless and dust-free by Sunday afternoon, but so far she has only gotten a little bit of work done.  Most of her free time is spent with Smurf 3, which is preferable, but then she gets upset because she hasn't been able to clean.  I've stopped waiting and just started cleaning over the weekend, and i've already figured out when I could get stuff done around everyone's schedule.  But I'm going to continue to support her efforts to do things at home, but I'm pushing for her to slow down and take breaks so she's not too worn out by dinner and can't do anything.

Smurf 3 is doing very well. He's up to 3 lbs., 1 oz and hasn't started bottle feeding yet.  It looks good for him to gain weight quickly once he does start.  I've been debating on whether to post pictures/videos of him, and I decided against it simply for privacy reasons. 

I took Smurfs 1 and 2 to the pool today while their mom visited Smurf 3 at the hospital.  Smurf 2 won't put her head underwater, and Smurf 1 won't stop jumping in from the side of the pool.  If he could swim, he'd go off the diving board!!  I thought it would be harder to keep track of both of them, but they did well following directions and staying near me so that I could help them if needed.  It definitely wore them out to be at the pool for almost 2 hours.  We'll probably do it again on Sunday morning.

Work is a pain as usual.

Sleep has been... elusive.  Since I only can visit Smurf 3 after Smurfs 1 and 2 have gone to sleep and I've done some housework, I often don't see him until midnight.   I get back home around 1:45, then i'm up until 3 or 4 doing stuff.  I get back up around 8 or 9 and start my day.  I feel like i'm getting less sleep, but apparently it's the same amount just at different times.  However, I am feeling it around dinner time.

I realize how much more time I need to spend playing with my Smurfs.  I spent 30 minutes last night wrestling with Smurf 1 and 2 hours in the pool with the both of them.  They enjoyed it and wanted to do more stuff, which makes me feel as if I'm not giving them enough play time with me.  I know I don't have much extra time to give, but I might increase the level of activity we do so that they can get out all that excess energy and I can feel as if they had quality time with me.  One thing we did today was to vacuum out the car.  For most kids this is boring, but I turn it into a treasure hunt (removing all toys and non-garbage stuff), then I give them a hand-held vacuum and direct them where to go.  Afterwards, they get to beat up/shake out the floor mats, and then they sit in the car playing with the newly discovered old toys while I finish up all the extra cleaning.  They seem to be willing to do whatever chore I need to get done, so I guess i'll have them help me weed out some areas tomorrow after swimming; they'll need to take a bath anyway so I might as well get some free labor!

Ramblings, aka "Another Day, Another Way to Stress"

So Smurf 3 is doing well.  There were some concerns about his liver functioning and potential brain bleeding, but all scans come back positive.  He still bruises and bleeds easier than he should, but it's getting better. His platelet count has stabilized and is improving, so he should not bleed as much.  It appears the same issues that my wife had are showing up in him, but they are definitely getting much better.  His suck reflex is very strong, so even though they have a nasal feeding tube in him they are giving him drops on his lips and in his mouth along with a pacifier to get him used to the coordination of eating and breathing.  And he is not on any breathing machines and such, so things are going really well for him.  However, I can't bring himself to visit him for long in the NICU.  It's a combination of the hospital (this hospital is great; I just hate hospitals), wanting him out of NICU, him being fragile so i'm afraid of accidentally hurting him (I have a hard time judging my strength), and then having to watch over the other Smurfs.  They cannot visit him because of their ages, so they stay with Momma Smurf in her room.  However, she cannot handle them as easily right now, so I try to limit myself so that she is not having increased difficulties.  Last time I left them, when I returned both Smurfs were in the hallway and had been trying to follow me when I left.  I know there are more serious things that could be happening and so i'm trying not to stress out my wife and the kids.  But I am going to have to find some time to shower.

At times my Smurfs irritate the hell out of me, and others they are cute.  I had a bit of both yesterday, but i'm not going to get into them.  I do like the fact that I can now explain things to them, wait about 20 minutes, and then check to see if they understand.  Granted, I still do a lot of misdirection or distract from questions which are difficult to answer, but overall I'm finding that by talking to them I get to increase their vocabulary and problem solving/critical thinking skills.

I hate eating out.  I used to like it, but I just don't like most fast foods anymore, and I don't like going to restaurants (although my Smurfs are very entertaining when they're not whining).  If I had a new grill at home I don't think I would ever eat out again. However, my wife likes to eat at certain places and the kids like to entertain other people, so I put up with it.  It just sucks that I can't order a true medium rare steak with the blood and juices coming out; I miss that.

Smurf 3 is Here! aka "Tonight's Da Night"

So my third child is here as of 5:50 p.m.  He was 15 inches long and 2 lbs, 14 oz. at 32 weeks.  I'm told that this was a good weight for him since to weeks ago he was estimated at 2 lbs. 2 oz.  The reason he was delivered today was because my wife's liver functioning changed quickly, so the doctors didn't want to waste any time.  He seems fine and has no physical issues; now it's a matter of time to see if there are any cognitive ones. 

As I watched him in the NICU, I began to think about all the things we will need to do at home.  We had already talked and agreed upon everything, but i've realized that a lot of it will fall on me because my wife will still be recovering when she returns home, and Smurf 3 will still be in the hospital.  Also, Smurf 1 and Smurf 2 are asking a lot of questions, especially about being able to see and touch Smurf 3.  So i'm having to deal with the sad, disappointed looks and mini-tantrums when they're told they cannot touch or visit him yet.

We've only told my family because they will not come here to bother us; they actually understand that they need to wait until he is able to come home and get used to us.  Her family?  They would ALL drive here tonight, set up camp, and try to spend about a week in town just to sit and stare at us.

When I started writing this I had the idea that this would help me sort out my thoughts and be able to just write as much as I want without worrying about someone reading or critiquing this; therefore I wouldn't have to follow any format and just stream out sentences based on my thoughts at the moment.  However, after today I see that I will most likely continue to write because I will have to stay at home with Smurf 3 for almost six months because we can't afford daycare for all three of them at the moment.  Right now I have the flexibility to work in the afternoons and evenings, which means that once Smurf 3 gets home I can arrange to stay with him during the day until we get our finances straight.  However I will be out of a job (unless i find another one) at the end of the year and may become a permanent stay-at-home dad at the time.  And right now I have to work since i'm the only one bringing in any money, but my wife also expects me to be at the hospital most of the days this week.  I've got a ton of paperwork to finish and to reschedule/schedule appointments, plus ensure that the other two smurfs make it to daycare in time to stay all day this week.  I definitely need to go out and exercise this week.

Speaking of exercise, I went on a walk/run with the Smurfs last night.  I put them in their wagon and walked up and down the hills in the neighborhood for 30 minutes.  I even ran down a few of the hills; when I was done, I was covered in sweat.  Of course they were fine, sipping on water and enjoying the breeze of being towed.  Normally on our walks we went slow because my wife could not walk as fast as I could. I think I will definitely do this again tomorrow night when the sun is almost down so I don't pass out from a heat stroke.

Daily Anecdotes, aka "The Good, The Bad, The In-Laws"

So today was stressful work-wise but i got through it with minimal psychological damage.  The in-laws weren't as bad as they could have been, but it still makes me flirt with the idea of smoking again.  So today's highlights:

Spent almost two hours explaining to an 18 y.o. why he has to lose some of his SSI when he makes more than a certain amount per month from working.  He kept saying that it was b.s. and wasn't fair.  I finally got to the point where I told him "yeah it sucks, but that's life.  You learn to deal with it or make enough money so you don't rely on it."  I still know he's not going to grasp it and will only try to remember parts of the conversation.

5 members of my in-laws visited (two sisters, parents, and a niece).  Two more are supposed to be in the area tomorrow.  I know they are trying to be helpful, but they aren't.  I appreciate their offers of assistance, but after all these years i'm surprised they don't know what I would and would not accept.  I would not accept someone else cleaning our house unless we are moving.  I would not accept them cooking at our house to feed the kids (I'm slightly insulted by that one).  I would not accept them taking the Smurfs away while I "relaxed" because they I don't agree with their discipline style (none at all) and I wouldn't relax because I would be worried about them.   They could take a cue from my neighbor who borrowed my lawnmower; he mowed the rest of my backyard and didn't even mention it afterwards.  That's classy to me because he didn't brag about it afterwards or make a point multiple times of saying that he wanted to help me.  He just did it and then left it alone.  That man deserves a thank-you card!

Mother in-law brought a lot of useless crap as usual.  I think she's one of those bag ladies in the store that just pick up random stuff and gives it away when she realizes that she has picked up crappy things.  This is the dress she brought for Smurf 2 (who is only 3) and thought that it's something she would like.  Smurf 2 has her own sense of clothing style and will often match her colors, creating pretty decent outfits.  She looked at that dress, then her grandmother, and just walked away (had to stifle a laugh).

Why would you offer to give a hyperactive, adrenaline-driven 4 year old a toothpick? That's just an ER trip waiting to happen.

I know I am overweight and need to exercise to be in better shape. However, after watching my in-laws have difficulty keeping up with my Smurfs I felt much better about my fitness level.  Also makes me realize how easily I can exploit/utilize my children as exercise equipment. 

We made chocolate chip cookies.  Well, Tollhouse made the cookies and I heated them up.  Anyway, while eating them I noticed Smurf 1 rubbing his ear with his shirt and moving as if his ear hurt.  I checked it out, and he had chocolate in his ear.  Apparently he stuck a chocolate chip covered finger in his ear and left part of it there.  I got it out without freaking out, but I almost called the wife about it.  See, I don't do well with minor medical issues such as fevers, headaches, stomachaches, etc.  IF it's something major like a broken bone, severe fever, strep (happened once), viral meningitis, etc. then I don't have problems with them because i'm used to helping with those types of situations due to my job.  I think dealing with the worst has me prepared for worse-case scenarios, but then whenever something minor happens I wonder if it's going to blow into something more.  Just part of my anxiety issues I guess.

31 weeks and counting now.  In two weeks we do another growth check, and if Smurf 3 hasn't progressed enough in growth then they're going to deliver him.  If he has, then they'll let him stay until 36 weeks.  We shall see what happens.

A Long Day, aka "My Blood Pressure Keeps Rising"

Don't think I can take any more surprises today.  My wife was supposed to come out on a 6 hour visit today but couldn't because during a NST the heart rate of Smurf 3 went WAAAAAY down.  It went back up, but the doctor freaked out and moved her to labor and delivery. I thought they were going to deliver any moment, which had me freaked out because when I was told I was in the middle of being with a client and his mom at the hospital, I still had to turn in paperwork so I could get paid, I had to contact several people for paperwork so other people got paid, I had to clean up the rest of the house because in-laws were around (oy vey), and I had in-laws visiting.

Luckily, everything has worked out.  She was on monitoring for 4 hours and had no changes or issues, so she was returned back to her room.  However, she might not get another pass to get out and that flat out sucks.  I was able to get one person discharged from the hospital, but then remembered I have to send information to another hospital for someone else.  I also need to follow up about an assault claim and Adult Protective Service call.  I got in my paperwork but not all of it (but I will still get paid so that's good).  The house is clean, the in-laws are bothersome (and will be back on Friday and Saturday), and I'm ready for it to be Sunday.  However, the Smurfs are still fun so everything will be okay.  I think I can keep my blood pressure in check long enough for my wife to get back home. 

I think it's funny that my daughter, Smurf 2, will allow me to wash and comb her hair in the tub but would never allow my wife to do it.  Smurf 2's hair is exactly like my wife's hair (very curly and thick), and I sometimes have a harder time with it.  However, she did not (and still doesn't) like for my wife to do her hair.  She even prefers if I'm the one putting on her headband, doing a ponytail, or whatever hairstyle she likes at the moment.  I also need to buy a few more dresses for her since she keeps asking to wear one every day; she currently has 4 that she likes.

Smurf 1 is going to eat us out of house and home.  I swear that boy eats almost as much as a teenager.  On the regular he eats anywhere between 2 to 3 helpings of dinner along with 2 snacks and possibly a third.  Luckily he prefers to drink a lot of water (puts me to shame) and will drink 1/2 cup of juice or a juice box per day.  Smurf 2 will drink water but only if she's very hot or nothing else is available.  Otherwise, she's got a juicebox or cup of juice in her hand.  Or strawberry milk.

So now we are on the way back to the hospital to get a good dinner to my wife.  They wouldn't let her eat while monitoring her, and she's hankering for some Outback food.  

Misspoken Word of the Day:
 *Preface - I try to use words that my kids should know with minimal euphemisms. Today I was speaking with Smurf 2 about using the bathroom, and that's where today's word comes from.

Browse Moose.  "That's a lot of Yuck daddy."  "It's called a poop or bowel movement."  "Ok.  That's a lot of Browse Moose."

Long Day, aka "Time Flies When You Have a Lot of Crap to Do"

So far I have:

Washed, dried, and folded some of the laundry
Did the dishes
Did the trash and recycles
Swept and cleaned up most of the living room
Got the kids up and microwaved their breakfasts. Twice.
Made sure the kids packed their bookbags correctly for daycare.

Still to do:
take the kids to school check!
Finish the laundry halfway done
mow the lawn 75% done. Just the part they play in
pay the bills check!
plan and prepare for dinner check!
dust and vacuum the entire house didn't even start
clean the kitchen and 3 bathrooms kitchen is mostly done; that's it
Finish up as much work as possible got half of my stuff done.
Not go crazy because I've only got about 5 hours to do it in actually only had 3 hours

Another Day, aka, "I Worry Too Much"

So yesterday was a mostly good day.  My wife got to leave the hospital for 6 hours, so we (family) spent a lot of good time together.  I mean, we do it each day that we visit but it's so much more better being away from the hospital.  Today they checked the growth rate of the baby and he's still behind.  However, the tech said the baby is growing symmetrically, which means that his body is growing proportionally.  That's better than asymmetrically, which would indicate potential medical and cognitive issues after birth.  It still sucks that he's behind in growth, but it appears that Smurf 3 would be a smaller person regardless.  When I say smaller, I mean smaller than us.  I'm only 5'11", my wife 5'9".  Both kids are pretty tall for their age, especially when I compare them to other kids their age.

Work is still a pain and I would really like to have some stability right now.  I like the fact that I can be flexible with it, but because I have limited time during the day because of the kids I spend most of the night playing catch up.  I think right now my average time to go to sleep is about 3 a.m., and I wake up between 7 and 8 a.m.

So i'm pretty mopey right now, but I try to keep things in perspective.  I follow a blog of a guy named  Rob (lostandtired.com),  and he is in a much more difficult situation than I am.  I feel I have no place to bitch and moan about laundry, cleaning, cooking, and taking care of things because things are still relatively good for me and the Smurfs.

Misspoken Word of the Day:
Anglish.  "That's not Spanish, that's in Anglish."

The Twilight Zone aka "Me, Myself, and I"

So with my wife potentially in the hospital for the next 5 weeks due to severe preeclampsia, I have become the part-time stay-at-home dad.  So far she has been there for almost 2 weeks now and is trying to convince them to allow her to leave for a few days just to break the monotony.  My kids, Smurf 1 and Smurf 2, have adjusted a lot better than I have.  Smurf 1, who will be 4 tomorrow, had a harder time at first because he hates hospitals and doctors (like me!). Smurf 2, who just turned 3 last month, doesn't seem to worry about it as much (or at least doesn't show it).  Once we told them she was having a baby and was not sick, then they both seemed to be happier about not having their mom at home.  Here are some of the questions I've been asked since they found out:

- Why is she having a baby at the hospital?

- Did she eat a baby? Is that how it got in her stomach?

- If she didn't eat it, how did the baby get in her stomach?

- What's the baby's name?

- How is it going to get out?

- What's his name?

- Does he eat food?

- Can you open your mouth so I see him? (asked while he's looking in my wife's mouth)

- Can I play with him? (asked while tapping on my wife's stomach)

So now i've taken over her jobs at home, which is quite a lot.  We had everything split as far as chores, responsibilities and such.  But now i'm taking care of everything, and since I organize things like my thoughts, things can be chaotic at home.  Plus i've still got to work 30 - 40 hours a week (somehow) while taking them to daycare 4 days a week while cleaning, cooking, shopping, planning meals, dealing with in-laws (oy vey!), and dealing with crisis situations (so far 3 days of scrapes and bruises).  I stress but i handle it okay because I also know that my wife is struggling as well because she has to be away from us and is not relaxing at home.  Oh well, time to make breakfast and get everyone ready for school.